A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty
Queen Elizabeth II.
"In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President
of the USA, and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign
Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, and Utah, which she
does not fancy).
Our
new Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, will appoint a Governor for America without
the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated
next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are
introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as
'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be
replaced by
the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
2.
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft
spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'
and the elimination of '-ize.'
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a
holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without
using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should
only be
used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or
carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will
be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with
roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect.
At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the
benefit of conversion
Tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British
sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol
(which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to
it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you
call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in
animal fat,
and dressed not with catsup but with
vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling
beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will
be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance
will be
Referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound
for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the
beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for
them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold
without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast
English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English
actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
dialect in
Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed
with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There is
only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough
will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to
American
Football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body Armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not
played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world
beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let
you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their
deliveries.
13.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government
will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated
to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with
proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies)
and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God
Save the Queen!
P.S.:
Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour ( NOT humor )!
